“Avital” by Noah Cicero

Avital said, “So I spent last weekend in my room. I couldn't handle going to school again. The idea was too oppressing.” While she spoke her face was animated, her arms were flapping, there was such feeling in her voice, she continued, “I couldn't take it. The whole world, maybe the universe, I kept asking God why, why God, why high school? I took some sleeping pills and went to sleep when I woke up Saturday morning, I went to sleep. The sleep felt so good, so nice and good and clean. So much cleaner than anything this world offers. I want to feel clean, you know, clean. I am not clean. I woke up around 3 and ate a bowl of cereal and some fruit. The fruit tasted good, it was, I think strawberries from the garden, so they were like, you know fresh. Then Eric called me on the phone, and I was like, I have to go over. You know. He said he had money and I need pills, I like pills, I have no money, I had to get money from somebody. So I went to Eric's. He was horrible. We went into his bedroom, his parents weren't there. We had sex, he gave me 30 dollars. I don't know why he gives me money. I don't even know why I had sex with him. Before I left he told me, 'Don't tell anyone about this.' Then he punched me in the stomach. I didn't mind, I've been punched in the stomach before. I went home and took another sleeping pill. I needed sleep. Nothing mattered. I needed to get away. I went in my house, my dad was there, and he was like sitting there reading a book, my mother told me about how the church was having a fundraiser the next day for somebody I didn't know, that I needed to go and eat pancakes. I didn't want to eat pancakes. I went in my bedroom, listened to Fleetwood Mac, I sat next to the speakers, and just listened, I kept thinking that something good would happen if I just laid there long enough, I remembered I had a Darvocet. The Darvocet made me feel better. That reminds me I need to get some pills. Then I finally went to sleep. I fell asleep right on the floor. I woke up wearing my shoes. I was so fucked up; I forgot to take them off. I didn't know where I was. My mother came bursting in the door, she yelled at me to get up, that we needed to go to church. I went, I went to fucking church. Oh man, there were people everywhere, there was pancakes and sausages everywhere. There were a lot of old people there. The old men kept gawking at me and my newly formed breasts. It was devastating. Then after the pancake dinner I went to Jim's house down the street, he sold me some Vicodin. I took the Vicodin and tried walking down the street, I felt too weird and fucked up to walk. I walked into the woods and laid on the ground. I watched the squirrels and birds for like two hours. I just sat there; it was great, nobody bitching at me to do something like go to a fucking pancake breakfast. I moved so little, that a squirrel came within five feet of me. I stared at the squirrel and said, 'Hi, little squirrel.' The squirrel didn't move. Eventually the squirrel left. I was so fucked up. Then I finally got up, it took everything I had to get up and leave that woods. I thought I might have died. But then I realized I could still move. I moved, I could still move my body, my body moved. I walked home. My mother told me that I needed to get a good nights sleep so I could be fresh for school when I got up in the morning. I went to my bedroom and cut myself for a while. My thighs looks terrible. Oh god, why am I alive?”

We all sat stood there listening to her. She talked like that constantly, she would start something and she would go through every little detail of the story. Ryan passed around a bowl and we all took turns smoking.